Friday, June 13

Insomniaaaa

Second day in a row, wiiiide awake. Yesterday it was from 4am to 6am and today at 3am all my mind does is rehearse karaoke songs...!? Really? At 4am I need to sing HAPPY by Pharrell Williams in my head!? Wtf. 
Full Moon today and Friday the 13th- maybe this is disturbing me on some level, who knows. Apparently rare to have the annual June Strawberry (Rose) Moon on a Friday the 13th.. Full moons can be hard. Couple times a yr i find myself affected by them, oddly. Apparently this is one.. All things are connected. 



Tuesday, June 10

2 years old

Tomorrow my baby girl turns 2 yrs old. Hard to believe already.
Happy Birthday little Ela...

Friday, April 11

Venlafaxine

I started taking the anti depressant Venlafaxine (Effexor) in Feb 2013 after having a very unsuccessful 6 weeks on 20mg of Citalopram. My initial response to 37.5mg was positive. A few wks later I increased to 75mg and eventually graduated to a 150mg dose. I maintained this until mid January 2014 when I saw my Dr and asked her help to wean off the drugs. We agreed on a 6 week slow weaning. I started week one on 112.5mg a day. I felt an incredible feeling of "medicine head" sort of like I had taken a really strong pill for muscle pain. I couldn't quite explain the feeling other than a very thick mental fog. Cotton head. Often I had vertigo dizziness and was unstable on my feet, combined with this weird fog. I had what I would call brain zaps where a buzzing feeling of alarm would randomly generate in my head. A shock feeling. Jarring. And very random. 
Ten days in, I reduced again to 75mg but found the vertigo and brain zaps to be way too unmanageable. I would alternate days of 112.5mg then 75mg until I could stand a few days in a row of 75mg. 
The third week of withdrawal- roughly Feb 15 or so- was certainly THE WORST. The irritability was insane. Irate. Outbursts. All coupled with the previously mentioned symptoms of foggy head, brain zaps and vertigo. Worst week ever. 
I fumbled on. 
Late Feb I was down to alternating 75mg and 37.5mg and finally by mid March was alternating 37.5 and zero every other day. Although the irritability somewhat subsided the fog and zaps persisted. Finally by March 20 I was on my own & revisited my Dr. to report my progress. Although at zero mg a day I still had occasional dizzy moments and cotton head, but much less often than when taking my lowest dose.
As of just this past 10 days I can say the medicine head no longer exists. My more recent issues have been concentration & focus which are a real problem regaining. I have had emotional fluctuations but am working through them. I am able to swallow the lump in my throat when the overwhelming waves of sadness come. I redirect myself when I feel the anger. But my memory, my concentration... SQUIRREL! 
I know in time I can overcome this, I just am not sure how to help myself recover here at this point. 
Patience??

Tuesday, April 1

A New Year

Important day for me so I will [finally] write a blog post!
It's a new year for me. My birthday. I feel the need to look back at the last year I had, and forward to this upcoming year of my life!
One year ago I was ... for lack of a better word, ILL. Between December 2012 to oh, April May 2013 I was knee deep in the hardest months of my year(+?) long partum depression. Although January 2013 was without doubt THE hardest month of the experience I can look back now and clearly see that I was at the "fully recovered" point only recently.
It was a long & often very uncomfortable journey. I lost part of my Self to it and am still putting it all back together. I still very much lack the confidence and self assurance I once had. I feel like a humbled "After" version of the me that existed "Before". Don't quite know how to summon Strength yet but I just keep moving forward despite the errors and fumbles that I continue to make. Maybe this is Strength. Today at least I can talk about making a mistake and not fall apart emotionally or use harsh self depricating words like "failure". To others I am sure this is not very remarkable, but for me- after struggling for so long with this stuff- it's a huge personal success to get to this point. No anti depressants helping me, nothing but ME and my own personal power in charge. This is really new and powerful stuff for me to say hey, I'm handling Life on my own right now. I'm screwing up but I'm not freaking out [too badly!!] I'm not perfect - I am a little verbally misdirected, a little high strung at times, a little irritable (post Venlafaxine, this is apparently normal). But I'm back to myself which continues to be a work in progress. 
So, looking FORWARD to my new birth year there is so much ahead. So much GOOD. Trying to enlarge our family (nature willing? We'll see...), working on improving our home, working on our relationship. It's ALL about improving for me over this next year. My new mantra... IMPROVE and forward I will move. 
Amen :)

Friday, January 10

Happy New Year

Wow, really?? 2014?
I remember as a kid, swinging away on the swings on the playground, LAUGHING at the idea of the year 2000. Where would I be at age 30? Let alone at 40. I remember that I thought at age 30 I would have 2 kids and a house. Important things to a girl child: have kuds and a home :)
Can't believe it's 2014.
Started the year with some vacation. Spent time with baby, Nana & Grandad then cousins, Auntie & Uncle. Home again where baby & me blossomed a great head cold. 
Today though, a whirlwind of sudden activity. Got our [FREE!] dishwasher installed [AND IT WORKS!!!] got rid of all our popcans & recycling... donated big bags of hand me downs... Organized the pantry... the house is "mostly" filled with things in their places. Where they belong. 
Spring cleaning has begun.
Now... if I can just get rid of this cold...

Wednesday, January 1

Happy New Year!!

All the best to all of us in 2014!!

Thursday, December 26

The New Year Approaches

My mind wanders towards resolutions...
I just uploaded a ton of Ela videos to my youtube account finally, something I have intended to do for months. I also wrote 3 pages in her baby journal tonite after not writing in there since August. 
Recently I find myself wanting more "order"- more structure, things where they belong, clear plans, clear direction, less confusion. When I lack this either at home or work I feel easily distracted. Like I go in too many directions at once. Here are some things I feel I would like to consider:
I would like to begin anew and really consider "scheduling" myself. Making a livable time table to make best use of my time every day. 
Earlier to bed. Earlier up. 
List my tasks. Finish them in a timely manner before starting a new one.
Read library books each month. Take 2 out & read them fully. 
Every payday go to the beauty school for a $20 facial. Just because. For me.
Make my health a PRIORITY.
Make creativity a priority.
That's pretty well it. I'll make a vision board to "cement" these, as I find that helps affirm my ideas. All are doable. 

Saturday, December 21

How do we all manage to survive toddlerhood!? 
Such a curious time. 
This is how Ela views life at 18months old & the rules she lives by.
Taste & eat everything. 
Dirt is yummy. 
Laundry soap smells good on my hair.
Books are for ripping apart, not reading.
Cat litter is my sandbox.
Tablecloths belong on the floor. 
Everything should be thrown.
Faces should be slapped or poked.
What I eat today I will hate tomorrow.
My rubber ducky belongs in the toilet. 
I am allergic to bedtime and learning to master the art of going boneless & temper tantrums.
I love helping mommy & daddy find the scissors they left out.
Mommys purse contents are awesome.
My kisses & smiles make mommy and daddy happy and powerless to stay mad.
I love everyone & everything; my only real purpose is to share my love and make people smile.

Monday, December 16

Self Induced Sadness & an upcoming full moon

I'm guessing it's all related in the cosmos.
Everyone around me (ok, and me?!) is really experiencing or really recognizing that they are in a state of self-induced sadness. Shit is happening and everyone seems to be knee jerking and saying WTF! This sucks and I did it to myself! Mother Tucker!
Started this morning with a theme of Self-Importance and continued in the afternoon with a few more raw emotions I found Here and There. It made a tough day because I really like Here and There is such a great person too. But they're both really angry about Life's Injustices- rightly so- yet we are all fairly powerless against Them.
Sometimes you make lemonade and sometimes you suck on a lemon. It jess aint fare.
Anyhoo, one glorious ray of light today arrived in my home mailbox. Three beautiful handwritten notes- two by my very brilliant and caring nephews. One by a very articulate and thoughtful six year old and another by his almost-nine yr old brother. They wrote:
Dear Ela. I know you are small. And you cant speak or understand you. But I love you. And you are smart. Love Milan.
 Dear Ela. what do you want for Xmas? I want a Ipod touch. How are you doing? I am felling great. You are growing so much. Love Mischa.
It's pretty hard to feel any sadness when you read these and hold these had written letters in your hands and realize the thought and effort taken by these great little heroes.  And so much love and thanks to their incredibly thoughtful Mom who also took the time to write. You can't give a better present to anyone than this simple act.
You guys are beautiful.

Saturday, November 30

My Great Finds of the Day

http://yoursuperawesomelife.com/
http://tinybuddha.com/category/blog/mindfulness-peace-blog/
http://www.forbes.com/sites/lisaquast/

Friday, November 29

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Friday, November 22

Recycling, Reinventing

For some odd reason this year I have apparently channeled my OCD-ness into cleaning and keeping every baby diaper box, every baby food jar, every salsa jar- actually each and every container that has a lid and is remotely reusable. I have got about 4 diaper boxes filled with these such containers now. 'Course now I think WTH am I going to do with all these!? Originally I made spice jars out of the baby food containers, painting all the lids a dark mushroom color and writing neatly on the lids the name of the spice inside. I used my coolest most vintage mason jars for things like coffee and coffee whitener. I figured a bunch of jars would surely be useful in the workshop for nails, screws, bolts, etc. but the jars haven't quite made it out there, nor is my other half nearly as motivated as me to do tedious little organizational tasks like these. I'm toying with posting them on Craigslist for free but before I do, I just *have to* check online to see what ideas there are out there for reusing jars and containers.
Thrifty Fun suggests a lot of great ideas like affirmation jars or thankfulness jars, job jars, jewelry or bathroom organizing. I kind of like the gift-giving idea where you layer your ingredients for homemade cocoa in the jar, top with marshmallows and seal it with a funky cork or washcloth topper and raffia twine. Or same idea but inserting dry bean or pea soup mixes with recipe card.
I've also washed, dried and spray-painted tin cans, using them for planters and seedlings as well as for nesting containers for Ela to learn and play with. She stacks them and puts them inside each other- cheapest toy ever =) They look fabulous spray painted. I used glossy red, teal, lime green and yellow.
I've been really cheaply painting my kitchen using Home Depot's mistints. They almost always have little $1 oops containers in various colors. I've been collecting them all summer. I have all sorts of blues, pinks, oranges, etc. but I have had them retint their mistints (free!) to browns which are almost always useful and neutral. Anyways for about $5 I painted all my base cabinets in my kitchen by mixing my mistints into a cool brown mahogany purply color. I quite like it. It at least cleans it up from the mess that it was before!
Anyhoo if you know other ideas for recycling pls let me know. I'm exploring ideas!


Tuesday, November 19

In Other News...

1. Chris Hadfield for PM
2. Rob Ford, get help!!! How sad, How public, How embarrassing for TO
3. Molars coming in for 18 month olds is a terrible experience :( that affects the whole family. 

Wednesday, November 13

Dealing with a lot of stress from every direction recently. On & off throughout the day I completed 10 loads of laundry, stripped & bleached clean the bed sheets and pillow cases, aired bedding on the porch railing outside, rigorously vacuumed every crevace & carpet. Toys in their bins. Clothes hung by color in the closet. Pulled some out for donation that no longer fit or function. I should be tired but I feel like I can't stop or certainly cannot relax. Agitated. Scanning for other things "that need to be done" or "should be finished". 
I'm going to keep cleaning, organizing & putting "life in order.

Here are 6 cleaning tasks and their emotional/intellectual/spiritual rewards:

Washing the dishes helps you to wash away the grief. Circular motions correspond to the circle of life.
Vacuuming gets rid of the dust and the cobwebs, the regrets which cling and keep you stuck, as you inhale stale air and allergens. Vacuuming helps you to move forward and breathe a purer air, a more authentic version of yourself.
* Cleaning the windows lets in the light when you feel sad, unable to step outside. Afterwards, you can sit or stand by the window, relax and watch others. Moreover, when you open a window, you get ready to step outside and join the good energy – first you rehearse it in your mind and then you do it.
* Cleaning the bathroom helps you to get the crap out of your life or neutralize what pisses you off.  You need to move toxins out of your body and your mind.
Mopping the floor keeps you in the moment, an opportunity not to think about your worries; otherwise, if you are not fully present to what you are doing, you can slip and slide and fall back into an old issue.
* Overall, housecleaning is great exercise to be envied by gym goers. And exercise efficiently alleviates anxiety and moves stress hormones out of the body.

The next time you clean your space, create a specific intention, a stress-reducing mental component corresponding to the physical act. For example, when you are clearing out spoiled fruit in your refrigerator to make room for fresh, new fruit consider if there might be some spoiled, toxic relationship you need to throw away? Or when you are dusting, polishing your furniture to a brilliant shine, consider what might be holding you back from shining?

Tuesday, November 12



But... More importantly- it's not my problem. 

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