It's a new year for me. My birthday. I feel the need to look back at the last year I had, and forward to this upcoming year of my life!
One year ago I was ... for lack of a better word, ILL. Between December 2012 to oh, April May 2013 I was knee deep in the hardest months of my year(+?) long partum depression. Although January 2013 was without doubt THE hardest month of the experience I can look back now and clearly see that I was at the "fully recovered" point only recently.
It was a long & often very uncomfortable journey. I lost part of my Self to it and am still putting it all back together. I still very much lack the confidence and self assurance I once had. I feel like a humbled "After" version of the me that existed "Before". Don't quite know how to summon Strength yet but I just keep moving forward despite the errors and fumbles that I continue to make. Maybe this is Strength. Today at least I can talk about making a mistake and not fall apart emotionally or use harsh self depricating words like "failure". To others I am sure this is not very remarkable, but for me- after struggling for so long with this stuff- it's a huge personal success to get to this point. No anti depressants helping me, nothing but ME and my own personal power in charge. This is really new and powerful stuff for me to say hey, I'm handling Life on my own right now. I'm screwing up but I'm not freaking out [too badly!!] I'm not perfect - I am a little verbally misdirected, a little high strung at times, a little irritable (post Venlafaxine, this is apparently normal). But I'm back to myself which continues to be a work in progress.
So, looking FORWARD to my new birth year there is so much ahead. So much GOOD. Trying to enlarge our family (nature willing? We'll see...), working on improving our home, working on our relationship. It's ALL about improving for me over this next year. My new mantra... IMPROVE and forward I will move.
Amen :)
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